The things that count...

Sigh! Well today is a day of highs and lows... did my usual 4am pain wake up call, where I wake up in so much pain I feel like I can’t breathe and then, thanks to my very special and dedicated D K I had a new pain med to try this morning {insert grin from ear to ear here!).

And what do you know...it worked!? Well I was so excited once I realised that the pain was actually dulling and that I didn’t need to double over anymore and steel myself against it ... I then did the next thing one does in these situations... I pathetically burst into tears! Tears of utter joy and relief! Then I thanked God for yet another small miracle.

I can’t explain what a relief it is to finally know that when I really just can’t bare it anymore there is something I can do! Until you have faced this pain on a daily basis, you will think I’m potentially bonkers. In fact my own husband thinks I am bonkers I’m sure and he has been there every step of the way and is the poor sod woken by my tossing and turning and frequent trips to the kitchen to warm my trusty wheat bag, which until today was the only form of soothing I had.

Okay so that was the “high” part of my day – moving on now to the “low”...just a few hours after realising that I had {help} I started to feel an uncomfortable itching sensation moving from my chest and neck up to my face and my face began to swell. Then the hives started over the rest of my body...sigh...so now I’m thinking how bad this itching thing in the big scheme of things actually is? Because the pain is way worse so I’d pick a little itching anytime!?

But the conclusion is; never a dull moment it seems in my post operative rollercoaster...maybe tomorrow will be a better day?

In case some of you are confused...I was hospitalised again last week with excruciating pain in my abdomen...no it didn’t just suddenly start again – it has never really gone away but it was totally manageable for some time and then it slowly stated to escalate till I reached my threshold.

Turns out that after my three abdominal surgeries last year, and all the packing and fiddling to stop bleeding etc. and scraping of innards to get rid of all traces of that nasty placenta of mine and of course the hysterectomy, a lot of invasive stuff was done to my abdomen leading to adhesions forming as it heals. Now adhesions are these nasty bits of call it scar tissue that form between your innards almost gluing them together like dried chewing gum and they stop your innards from being able to move around voluntarily with your body movements like they used to and thus causing quite a bit of pain for me!

So in a nutshell I was admitted to hospital put on a drip so I didn’t have to eat and therefore no peristaltic movement and supposedly no pain...and it would allow the sub acute bowel obstruction that had formed due to all of this to sort itself out. Now they can operate and try to cut away and fix all the adhesions but that could potentially leave me worse off than I am, as they will just form again and there is also all sorts of risks just opening me up and to be honest...the mere thought of another op terrifies me!

So I was discharged after a few days with the knowledge that this would not be my last trip to hospital, that full bowel obstructions, perforations and twisted intestines are expected at some point and these if untreated can be lethal so I need to learn to manage my pain??? i.e. live with it indefinitely and know when to get to the hospital! Rather a daunting thing to be told at 34 years of age with a young family to raise!  

So for now I am “processing” all of this and trying to be thankful for mine and Livies lives at least and manage as best I can without being a grouchy Grinch to my children and husband.

But onto happier more creative things... cause despite it all I’ve been a busy girl since last we spoke J

Planned and pulled off my big Girl, Kayla’s 8^th Birthday party – a rocking one at that!

I have done a Preggie photo shoot for my friend Mia, thrown her a baby shower along with my sister-in-law:

Had loads of fun with my weekly Project Life challenge <3

{for more info or where to get yours call Project life on 011 2814859}

Finished off Olivia’s Butterfly mobile for over her changing station <3

Celebrated Valentine’s Day with my special Guy and made the cutest Valentines treats for Kayla’s class which I am reading mom for...

So in amongst it all I am still trucking and finding joy in the little things, as they are the things that count!

xxx

Turning over a new leaf...

Okay so I have absolutely no idea where the last few months have gone, but I am totally committed to turn over a new leaf and getting back to business!

My little Livie is now 7 and a half months old, enjoying the joys of food {albeit rather sloppy and bland, but you gotta start somewhere}, sitting, crawling, laughing, screaming, happy and whole! I still can’t get over how blessed we are and what a miracle she is.

My older Girls, Kayla {almost Eight – eek} and Izzy {three going on thirteen} are good and have settled into the new school year remarkably well and I am just so proud of them!

So now that the routines are falling into place, and I’m completely out and about and LOVING it, I am ready and finally able to get back to finding the JOY in the little things!

First up on the agenda is Project life {www.projectlife.co.za – have a look see I think it is a fantastic concept!} There are so many ways to tackle project life and you can do as much or as little as you want! I was sent a Clementine Kit by Scrapping Fever {thank you x} and am loving the simplicity of it!

I have decided that my project life album is going to be a layout a week and all about “Living life again”! I thought it would be such a great way to appreciate my miracle baby, my beautiful family and my multitude of blessings!

So watch this space and let me know what you think as I go along!

xxx

Making sense of it all…

There is no denying it now, that this year my family and I have been on quite a journey, and to be quite honest I am more than happy for it to end now.

I have been asked on numerous occasions whether if I had known what I was in for, would I have done anything different and my answer is no, but if I had known all I was to endure ahead of time, I’m not quite sure how well I would have taken it!

It is probably a good thing that I had to take everything day by day and only learnt about each obstacle in these delayed steps so to speak, as now when I summarize the whole story from the beginning for anyone – I am always taken aback at how horrified they look, and when I listen to the whole story it does just sound way more awful than I am ready to admit.

But the interesting part for me is that at no point have I been able to focus on the sheer terror of the physical stuff…it has always been just taking it “day by day” and struggling from one goal to the next as I do believe and have believed all along with all my heart that we will all be “normal” again and that we have been so blessed with all the miracles that although some days have gotten me down, I can’t really complain when I think firstly of how bad things could have been and secondly, each time I look at our beautiful baby girl I am just filled with gratitude! Aside from Olivia, I had so many good things waiting at home for me to fight for – so how could I not?

My main regret is for what I have particularly put my husband though…to watch the person you love, physically fading away, in continual pain and fighting to survive through 4 major operations and more, must have been soul destroying for him. But he has been so strong and so {together} and for that I am very thankful  and proud of him too.

After our little scare earlier this week, I am now praying desperately for this all to be over. Olivia is doing so well, this week she turns 0! August 15^th was her due date so we can now start to “age” her normally… she has just been the most amazing little mite and also been so strong with not one setback! I just want to be able to enjoy her properly, and be able to be there for my other two girls too! I feel I have missed out on so much of their lives this year.

Don’t get me wrong, the support we have received has been amazing! My single older brother has come to stay with us and taken on the job of “aupair” and has been simply fantastic with the girls – I couldn’t ask for more! And the support and love from the rest of the family and friends and both girls schools and so many others has also just been overwhelming!

But I have missed ballet concerts, sports days, and all the other little triumphs and tribulations that my girls have faced in the last year without the normal support and “on looking” from their mommy! Definitely some guilt issues for me to deal with there…

But as usual I always seem to come back to the fact that I am still here – alive and kicking! It could have been so much worse and I am once again so so thankful.

So to everyone who has supported us in any way I thank you from the bottom of my heart and ask that you all continue to pray for a full recovery and the return of our “normal” life!

xxx

I'm back...

Phew! I have been away for a while…but with good reasonJ

As you’ve probably all gathered by now from Facebook, our beautiful little Olivia has arrived, safe and sound, with only a few bumps along the way.

I will get around to updating the “full” story soon {I hope}, but for the meantime I just can’t seem to find enough hours in the day.

Driving back and forth to the hospital daily {a good 45 minute drive}, and trying to fit in “enough” cuddle time with Liv, and still get home to spend time with my other two girls, is just leaving me shattered! {please note: I have not mentioned the hours of “admin” time spent, chasing up medical aids etc. and other “mommy duties” undertaken;)}

I have had an overwhelming amount of support though, from family and friends, both near and far and couldn’t be more thankful, blessed and touched by the kind messages and many, many prayers… thank you all <3

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend, It’s time for me to hop to the day aheadJ

xxx

We have a date.

I’m going to meet my baby… my teeny tiny little mite…my miracle.

This totally terrifies me and completely excites me all at the same time!

So Friday was decision day, and after seeing the specialist and him checking Olivia over completely we sat down to discuss the options.

Her measurements showed 997g as her weight indication, movements are strong and regular, Amniotic fluid has miraculously increased to 9cm, all internal organs look like they are functioning well and Doppler readings show resistance is elevated (75) but acceptable at this stage. Olivia seems to be gaining 80 to 100g per week, which is slow but something.

So since all is well (considering), we are pushing on for one more week just to get her to 32 weeks when her brain should reach maturity. At this point the pressure and risk to me becomes worse and should we push on further the chances of things going wrong and them losing both of us is too high so we have decided that we have gone as far as we can and at 32 weeks it is safest for both of us to deliver her and take over some control.

My pain levels are no joke, even though my husband with his sense of humor tells me to just “suck it up”  and “quit complaining” J – I have to admit that I am really battling. My bladder is causing quite a few problems and my body really is taking strain. But one more week – I can do!

The plan now is that I will be admitted into hospital early on Monday the 20^th June, and have my two doses of steroids to help a little more with her lungs – then on Tuesday 21^st at 07h30am I will be wheeled into theatre where a team of doctors will cut me open and finally remove our precious little girl from my hostile womb!

All the details of what will happen, and how they will “fix” Olivia and me are sketchy at this stage as my Gynae will only know what route to follow once he can see and assess what is actually going on inside me, and how developed Olivia actually is since her growth has been so slowed down. It is all rather daunting and I’m hoping this week passes quickly so that I don’t get to think about it too much though.

There is stax to do to get my home ready for my absence, and also to organize for mine and Livvie’s homecoming. {I know this will only be in a while but I’ll feel better that everything is ready.}

I must admit though I am so relieved to be able to finally see an end to the waiting and “limbo” that has been my life for so long… and to be able to look towards the next phase of our journey. There is still so far to go, but I have faith that we will all get through it and be home like a normal family before we know it J

Kayla and Izzy are very excited, and Dad has been prepped on multiple occasions to make sure he takes the video camera and camera – so they can see her as soon as he gets home from the hospital! J {Kayla has moaned though that a week is soooo long to wait!}

So we take on the next week and hope and pray that nothing happens in the interim to change “the plan”!

Wish us luck! xxx

What's in a name?

Well, since this is all decided - I thought it only right that I share our little mite's name with you all:)

Drum roll...tadaaaa...

"Faith" was just so apt, since that's pretty much been the essence of her from the beginning, and her Daddy chose "Olivia" after we went backwards and forwards with names - we both scrapped our very different first choices and both had "Olivia" on our lists - so Daddy sealed the deal by signing my mothers day card "love Kayla, Izzy and Olivia". <3

So -  little Livvie it is...

xxx

Missing in action...

Goodness, I’ve just realized that I haven’t blogged in a whole week!

No real reason, just not been in the right space I suppose…this waiting game is really getting quite exhausting, but good news from our last appointment is that our little mite has been doing a great job growing and put on double the weight in one week that she usually doesJ sooo, she weighed in on Friday at a whopping 898g!!!

We are so hoping that she makes the kilo mark at tomorrow’s check up – so hold thumbs!

All is stable otherwise, but I am wondering how much longer my body can go on…then I think…just a little longer…they didn’t even think we’d make 24 weeks and at the end of this week we’ll be the big three oh! So, just a little longer…

On Tuesday my Mom, gave me a very special “gift”! She organized an outing to the hairdressers!!! {For the record it was a very well supervised, relaxed outing} You see when she first suggested it I felt a little silly, and vain I suppose as the fact that I hadn’t had my hair done in over 6 months was really bothering me…and the fact that in a short time I may lose it all – well it just seemed silly and a waste in view of the “bigger picture”. But I accepted and am so glad I did! I feel so much more like myself, and not so drab and dreary and it was so good to have some special time – just me and my mum <3 I must admit I am constantly reminded of the things we take so for granted!

Mom also dropped off these gorgeous little beanies she made for our little mite, and Izzy thinks that they’ll be just perfect for her baby doll! So sweet xxx

Also, we had a guardian angel drop by this week and she wouldn’t take no for an answer; a major shopping spree was undertaken and all the essentials for the nursery have been acquired! Just waiting for a wardrobe and then our little mite will have a room to come home to! Such special people in our life…Beeg thanks again T xxx