I'm not ready...

So today it has dawned on me that our waiting is finally coming to an end…from early on the doctors predicted me not going further than 28 weeks and so for what seems so very long I have been concentrating on the main goal of getting there and patiently following doctors orders and wishing the weeks away to be able to get to a point where I can deal with something and actually do something, rather than just the frustrating wait…but now as 27 weeks approaches, I find myself not ready!

I’m not ready for them to take our little mite from my body - she’s not ready, I’m not ready for hospitals and operations and chemo drugs and the heartache that I thought I had prepared myself for of not being able to hold her straight away, or feed her, or have her to myself…I’m not ready for all that.

I find myself bargaining for more weeks please, what about 30 weeks? Or even full term – could that be possible? Then I scold myself and remind myself that I should be grateful to even be this far, as it could have gone so differently!

I suppose my blessing and my curse is that I have known all along that it wasn’t going to be as easy as my first two pregnancies, and that I will know what I am missing out on -that indescribable feeling as your baby is born and handed to you, and how that tiny little person just stares back at you, taking you in, and when she latches for the first time and you hold her tiny hand and silently promise to never let it go…I thought that because I knew ahead and was prepared that I would be okay with it and the trade off that at least she would be alive would be enough…

So right now I pray for strength and the ability to accept whatever cards we are dealt and that I will be as ready as I can be when the time comes.

xxx