Today is a better day...

*sigh… I’m taking deep breaths today as yesterday was not a good day for me, but it wasn’t really “bad” either!?

I just think there comes a time where the wheels are going to fall off and I am going to want to revert to tantrum throwing, and “it’s not fair” and “why me”… and all that kind of self pitying non-constructive silly behavior – and maybe the lesson here is that it is okay now and then, and as I’ve been kindly reassured, only normal. But what counts at the end of each of these days is that they are few and far between and that I can pull myself towards myself, put on my big girl panties and believe that tomorrow will be a better day!

So the news is that we saw the specialist yesterday and the summary is that although we have been following the goal that from 26 weeks our little mite would be viable, in fact because of her slowed growth, she at just over 27 weeks and theoretically viable, is actually only 23 weeks and not viable and can only be considered viable in another 3 weeks time - and even that isn’t any guarantee…talk about having the chair pulled out from under you!

I knew in my mind that there were likely to be set backs and frustrations, but yesterday my heart just didn’t want to face it and giving in to emotions was just all too easy…

The specialist also confirmed again and stressed how severe and life threatening my condition was and how harsh my own physical journey from delivery onwards would be… and although I know in my head and have thought that I was preparing myself adequately, I realized that I have merely been focusing only on this teeny tiny little mite and completely “shelving” the other stuff, that I am not ready to deal with.

So I have decided once again to move forward…no pregnancy is guaranteed to have a happy ending, and it is the doctors duty to give us ALL the information nice or not, and we can and will get through this and I AM going to hold my baby one day!

Dynamite comes is small packages, and we already know that this little mite is feisty, so the fact that we have got this far is a miracle, and the fact that she will only ever be able to reach 1.2Kgs in the “hostile environment” my womb has been labeled is okay - and anyway she IS still growing, and she IS still moving, and there IS still amniotic fluid, and her heart IS still beating … these are the things I can find joy in and carry on with <3

In closing I have to tell you all that after trying to explain my feelings and reporting yesterday to a very special friend that yesterday’s catch word – clearly was “frustration”, she gently disagreed and said simply… “or trust” … which really made me stop and think – how could she possibly know that that was really all I needed to be reminded of…no need for analyzing or going round in circles on the details – just one word said at the right time, by the right person… thank you my friend… it made all the difference and today is a better day!

Xxx