Making sense of it all…

There is no denying it now, that this year my family and I have been on quite a journey, and to be quite honest I am more than happy for it to end now.

I have been asked on numerous occasions whether if I had known what I was in for, would I have done anything different and my answer is no, but if I had known all I was to endure ahead of time, I’m not quite sure how well I would have taken it!

It is probably a good thing that I had to take everything day by day and only learnt about each obstacle in these delayed steps so to speak, as now when I summarize the whole story from the beginning for anyone – I am always taken aback at how horrified they look, and when I listen to the whole story it does just sound way more awful than I am ready to admit.

But the interesting part for me is that at no point have I been able to focus on the sheer terror of the physical stuff…it has always been just taking it “day by day” and struggling from one goal to the next as I do believe and have believed all along with all my heart that we will all be “normal” again and that we have been so blessed with all the miracles that although some days have gotten me down, I can’t really complain when I think firstly of how bad things could have been and secondly, each time I look at our beautiful baby girl I am just filled with gratitude! Aside from Olivia, I had so many good things waiting at home for me to fight for – so how could I not?

My main regret is for what I have particularly put my husband though…to watch the person you love, physically fading away, in continual pain and fighting to survive through 4 major operations and more, must have been soul destroying for him. But he has been so strong and so {together} and for that I am very thankful  and proud of him too.

After our little scare earlier this week, I am now praying desperately for this all to be over. Olivia is doing so well, this week she turns 0! August 15^th was her due date so we can now start to “age” her normally… she has just been the most amazing little mite and also been so strong with not one setback! I just want to be able to enjoy her properly, and be able to be there for my other two girls too! I feel I have missed out on so much of their lives this year.

Don’t get me wrong, the support we have received has been amazing! My single older brother has come to stay with us and taken on the job of “aupair” and has been simply fantastic with the girls – I couldn’t ask for more! And the support and love from the rest of the family and friends and both girls schools and so many others has also just been overwhelming!

But I have missed ballet concerts, sports days, and all the other little triumphs and tribulations that my girls have faced in the last year without the normal support and “on looking” from their mommy! Definitely some guilt issues for me to deal with there…

But as usual I always seem to come back to the fact that I am still here – alive and kicking! It could have been so much worse and I am once again so so thankful.

So to everyone who has supported us in any way I thank you from the bottom of my heart and ask that you all continue to pray for a full recovery and the return of our “normal” life!

xxx

I'm back...

Phew! I have been away for a while…but with good reasonJ

As you’ve probably all gathered by now from Facebook, our beautiful little Olivia has arrived, safe and sound, with only a few bumps along the way.

I will get around to updating the “full” story soon {I hope}, but for the meantime I just can’t seem to find enough hours in the day.

Driving back and forth to the hospital daily {a good 45 minute drive}, and trying to fit in “enough” cuddle time with Liv, and still get home to spend time with my other two girls, is just leaving me shattered! {please note: I have not mentioned the hours of “admin” time spent, chasing up medical aids etc. and other “mommy duties” undertaken;)}

I have had an overwhelming amount of support though, from family and friends, both near and far and couldn’t be more thankful, blessed and touched by the kind messages and many, many prayers… thank you all <3

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend, It’s time for me to hop to the day aheadJ

xxx

We have a date.

I’m going to meet my baby… my teeny tiny little mite…my miracle.

This totally terrifies me and completely excites me all at the same time!

So Friday was decision day, and after seeing the specialist and him checking Olivia over completely we sat down to discuss the options.

Her measurements showed 997g as her weight indication, movements are strong and regular, Amniotic fluid has miraculously increased to 9cm, all internal organs look like they are functioning well and Doppler readings show resistance is elevated (75) but acceptable at this stage. Olivia seems to be gaining 80 to 100g per week, which is slow but something.

So since all is well (considering), we are pushing on for one more week just to get her to 32 weeks when her brain should reach maturity. At this point the pressure and risk to me becomes worse and should we push on further the chances of things going wrong and them losing both of us is too high so we have decided that we have gone as far as we can and at 32 weeks it is safest for both of us to deliver her and take over some control.

My pain levels are no joke, even though my husband with his sense of humor tells me to just “suck it up”  and “quit complaining” J – I have to admit that I am really battling. My bladder is causing quite a few problems and my body really is taking strain. But one more week – I can do!

The plan now is that I will be admitted into hospital early on Monday the 20^th June, and have my two doses of steroids to help a little more with her lungs – then on Tuesday 21^st at 07h30am I will be wheeled into theatre where a team of doctors will cut me open and finally remove our precious little girl from my hostile womb!

All the details of what will happen, and how they will “fix” Olivia and me are sketchy at this stage as my Gynae will only know what route to follow once he can see and assess what is actually going on inside me, and how developed Olivia actually is since her growth has been so slowed down. It is all rather daunting and I’m hoping this week passes quickly so that I don’t get to think about it too much though.

There is stax to do to get my home ready for my absence, and also to organize for mine and Livvie’s homecoming. {I know this will only be in a while but I’ll feel better that everything is ready.}

I must admit though I am so relieved to be able to finally see an end to the waiting and “limbo” that has been my life for so long… and to be able to look towards the next phase of our journey. There is still so far to go, but I have faith that we will all get through it and be home like a normal family before we know it J

Kayla and Izzy are very excited, and Dad has been prepped on multiple occasions to make sure he takes the video camera and camera – so they can see her as soon as he gets home from the hospital! J {Kayla has moaned though that a week is soooo long to wait!}

So we take on the next week and hope and pray that nothing happens in the interim to change “the plan”!

Wish us luck! xxx

What's in a name?

Well, since this is all decided - I thought it only right that I share our little mite's name with you all:)

Drum roll...tadaaaa...

"Faith" was just so apt, since that's pretty much been the essence of her from the beginning, and her Daddy chose "Olivia" after we went backwards and forwards with names - we both scrapped our very different first choices and both had "Olivia" on our lists - so Daddy sealed the deal by signing my mothers day card "love Kayla, Izzy and Olivia". <3

So -  little Livvie it is...

xxx

Missing in action...

Goodness, I’ve just realized that I haven’t blogged in a whole week!

No real reason, just not been in the right space I suppose…this waiting game is really getting quite exhausting, but good news from our last appointment is that our little mite has been doing a great job growing and put on double the weight in one week that she usually doesJ sooo, she weighed in on Friday at a whopping 898g!!!

We are so hoping that she makes the kilo mark at tomorrow’s check up – so hold thumbs!

All is stable otherwise, but I am wondering how much longer my body can go on…then I think…just a little longer…they didn’t even think we’d make 24 weeks and at the end of this week we’ll be the big three oh! So, just a little longer…

On Tuesday my Mom, gave me a very special “gift”! She organized an outing to the hairdressers!!! {For the record it was a very well supervised, relaxed outing} You see when she first suggested it I felt a little silly, and vain I suppose as the fact that I hadn’t had my hair done in over 6 months was really bothering me…and the fact that in a short time I may lose it all – well it just seemed silly and a waste in view of the “bigger picture”. But I accepted and am so glad I did! I feel so much more like myself, and not so drab and dreary and it was so good to have some special time – just me and my mum <3 I must admit I am constantly reminded of the things we take so for granted!

Mom also dropped off these gorgeous little beanies she made for our little mite, and Izzy thinks that they’ll be just perfect for her baby doll! So sweet xxx

Also, we had a guardian angel drop by this week and she wouldn’t take no for an answer; a major shopping spree was undertaken and all the essentials for the nursery have been acquired! Just waiting for a wardrobe and then our little mite will have a room to come home to! Such special people in our life…Beeg thanks again T xxx

Life standing still

It dawned on me today that my life has been completely “paused” for the last 3 months, and there is still some time to go…

Don’t get me wrong, I have managed to find all sorts of things to keep me occupied but whatever it is it has to be from the comfort of my bed. I do Kayla’s homework with her on my bed, I read Izzy her stories in my bed, I label clothes for school and ballet from bed, I play on the internet, send and receive mails and occasionally shop, all from my bed.

But in a few weeks time it is Kayla’s first Ballet concert in a real professional theatre, and that I can’t watch from my bed… of course Shane and the Grannies will video and take photo’s so that I can see my special girl on stage – but I can’t help with make-up and make sure her hair is just right and hear the nervous chatter and giggles before she takes her place in the limelight. And as I book all the tickets for the family members attending {from my bed}, my heart is really sad that I am missing out. I know that there will be many more concerts for me to attend, but these are the “proud mommy moments” that I cherish and so I am just sad!

This afternoon I occupied myself with sorting and labeling my millions of photo’s and I think it just brought home to me how much my life has been changed by our situation. My daughters will attest to what a “snap happy” photographer I am, and in three months my camera has hardly been touched, I haven’t been able to scrap {although I’m seriously thinking of finding a way to do a small project or two in bed}, and there has been a sad lacking of freshly baked goods in my home for some time now. The girls and I haven’t done any craft projects, and I’ve not been able to walk my beautiful dogs in all this time too!

So today I am really looking forward to an end to this journey and to be able to really start living again, and I think the silver lining is that I am so going to appreciate simply living againJ  Spending time outside on a beautiful day, watching my children play with delight on the beach, Date Night with my husband, coffee with special friends, shopping, walking my dogs, fetching my girls from school, capturing the beautiful things around me with my camera, and scrapping our family’s special times to name but a few. So much to look forward to… and for that I am thankful, so blessed that my normal life does contain all these special moments that before I may have acknowledged in some way or another, but taken so for granted in the busy hustle and bustle of daily life!

xxx

I have the cleverest baby daughter ever!

Well today’s title says it all!

At our last check up on Friday we found out that our little mite has once again ignored all the odds and doctors predictions of what is possible and what is not and has managed to move around from her very stuck and cramped breach position to completely upright – clearly she wants to stand up and be counted!

You see because of all the extra tissue and “stuff” inside my uterus and the lack of amniotic fluid, they thought she was stuck in that position and that she wouldn’t ever be able to move around and hence her growth ability was being negatively affected.  Last week I had quite a bit of pain and was really uncomfortable – but clearly this result was so worth all of that!

So now I have received my “Noddy badge” for reaching our first official goal – 28 weeks and over 700g {she was 727g} and now we push on daily for the next one… cause every day counts and I know for certain now just how feisty this little mite is. I so can’t wait to meet her in the flesh <3 she is sure to be a character of note and I am certain that she will have enough fight in her to get through all that lies ahead! xxx

Thanks again for all the encouragement, support, prayers and positive thoughts coming our way – this shows that you never know quite what is just around the next corner!

xxx

still trucking...

The last couple of days have been busy in our household, we have moved Kayla and Izzy into one room to make way for a nursery which involved loads or sorting and reshuffling from my side...from my bed rest position I’ll add and I felt guilt over this as they really are squeezed in – but my special girls are just thrilled! I am amazed at the resiliency of my children of late, they are adapting so well to all the changes and stresses around them and are so excited for the arrival of their baby sister.

Tomorrow is our next appointment and I am rather nervous after the last one, but think I have settled my mind back into an acceptable mode, and it should all be just fine!

A special friend popped in and took some “tummy” pics for me today while the girls were home and I already have a beautiful sneak peak to share with you!

Wish us luck for tomorrow!

xxx

Today is a better day...

*sigh… I’m taking deep breaths today as yesterday was not a good day for me, but it wasn’t really “bad” either!?

I just think there comes a time where the wheels are going to fall off and I am going to want to revert to tantrum throwing, and “it’s not fair” and “why me”… and all that kind of self pitying non-constructive silly behavior – and maybe the lesson here is that it is okay now and then, and as I’ve been kindly reassured, only normal. But what counts at the end of each of these days is that they are few and far between and that I can pull myself towards myself, put on my big girl panties and believe that tomorrow will be a better day!

So the news is that we saw the specialist yesterday and the summary is that although we have been following the goal that from 26 weeks our little mite would be viable, in fact because of her slowed growth, she at just over 27 weeks and theoretically viable, is actually only 23 weeks and not viable and can only be considered viable in another 3 weeks time - and even that isn’t any guarantee…talk about having the chair pulled out from under you!

I knew in my mind that there were likely to be set backs and frustrations, but yesterday my heart just didn’t want to face it and giving in to emotions was just all too easy…

The specialist also confirmed again and stressed how severe and life threatening my condition was and how harsh my own physical journey from delivery onwards would be… and although I know in my head and have thought that I was preparing myself adequately, I realized that I have merely been focusing only on this teeny tiny little mite and completely “shelving” the other stuff, that I am not ready to deal with.

So I have decided once again to move forward…no pregnancy is guaranteed to have a happy ending, and it is the doctors duty to give us ALL the information nice or not, and we can and will get through this and I AM going to hold my baby one day!

Dynamite comes is small packages, and we already know that this little mite is feisty, so the fact that we have got this far is a miracle, and the fact that she will only ever be able to reach 1.2Kgs in the “hostile environment” my womb has been labeled is okay - and anyway she IS still growing, and she IS still moving, and there IS still amniotic fluid, and her heart IS still beating … these are the things I can find joy in and carry on with <3

In closing I have to tell you all that after trying to explain my feelings and reporting yesterday to a very special friend that yesterday’s catch word – clearly was “frustration”, she gently disagreed and said simply… “or trust” … which really made me stop and think – how could she possibly know that that was really all I needed to be reminded of…no need for analyzing or going round in circles on the details – just one word said at the right time, by the right person… thank you my friend… it made all the difference and today is a better day!

Xxx

"Grow"

Well, where to start…

Thursday morning I awoke to Braxton Hicks contractions, which in itself isn’t anything new, but the pains and the duration just made me feel uneasy and after messages between the doc and I, it was decided that at this point nothing must be taken lightly and a trip to labour ward was necessary… so bags were packed into the car and off we went.

What struck me when we reached the hospital was the level of urgency I was being treated with, wheelchairs, rushed, hushed calls to doctors and loads of detailed info was recorded…after trace tests were done and scans completed, it was decided that steroid injections should commence immediately to help mature the little mites lungs, as my abdomen was looking severely irritated and blood vessels terribly engorged, sending my risk factors sky rocketing.

The good news was that our little mite has grown nicely and reached a good 650g! All organs looked good and as usual she was squirming and kicking the scanner and all in all being her usual “feisty” self <3 At nearly 27 weeks, she is looking good and for the first time I got the feeling that they are confident that she’ll be okay and now that it’s me that they were more worried about.

Anyway after my set of injections that day and the appropriate observation, I was released early the next morning and was very relieved to find myself back in my own cozy comfortable bed! And after some reflection I feel that this was a good way to have a “dry run”; I got to update my hospital bags as had forgotten a few minor odds and ends, and the hospital staff got to know me and my very unheard of condition, and my girls and Shane got a small taste of me being away and took it in their stride so well… and I finally feel like this is real… really close now and I can handle it!

So today when grabbing a bite in the kitchen I noticed my sprouting bulbs and the little “grow” tag, and realized that all of this has been handed to us to help us grow, and each step no matter how scary or emotional, is helping us grow as a family and in ourselves and in our relationships with others around us.

Which brings me to my last observation, which is that through this journey I have been surprised as to just who has stepped up and supported us and just been there, to talk to, to fetch and carry children, to run errands, sent messages of support and encouragement and prayers, and so so much more…and then on the other hand I have had to swallow some big lumps, when people who I thought would understand and be there, have just left empty spaces – for whatever reason {and I don’t mean to judge, it has just surprised me is all} but as I said this has certainly been a time of growth in so many ways, relationships, spiritually, in myself and who I am  and literally physically too…and all in all I am happy to say it is good!

It once again concretes for me the fact that everything for a reason and a season… and it is just what it is!

xxx

I'm not ready...

So today it has dawned on me that our waiting is finally coming to an end…from early on the doctors predicted me not going further than 28 weeks and so for what seems so very long I have been concentrating on the main goal of getting there and patiently following doctors orders and wishing the weeks away to be able to get to a point where I can deal with something and actually do something, rather than just the frustrating wait…but now as 27 weeks approaches, I find myself not ready!

I’m not ready for them to take our little mite from my body - she’s not ready, I’m not ready for hospitals and operations and chemo drugs and the heartache that I thought I had prepared myself for of not being able to hold her straight away, or feed her, or have her to myself…I’m not ready for all that.

I find myself bargaining for more weeks please, what about 30 weeks? Or even full term – could that be possible? Then I scold myself and remind myself that I should be grateful to even be this far, as it could have gone so differently!

I suppose my blessing and my curse is that I have known all along that it wasn’t going to be as easy as my first two pregnancies, and that I will know what I am missing out on -that indescribable feeling as your baby is born and handed to you, and how that tiny little person just stares back at you, taking you in, and when she latches for the first time and you hold her tiny hand and silently promise to never let it go…I thought that because I knew ahead and was prepared that I would be okay with it and the trade off that at least she would be alive would be enough…

So right now I pray for strength and the ability to accept whatever cards we are dealt and that I will be as ready as I can be when the time comes.

xxx

Reflection

Good news…I think…no appointment this week as my doctor was called away to Cape Town and he wasn’t keen on me going to any locum as, in his words they would “freak out and want to take baby out immediately when they saw the war zone that is my middle parts at present” {that doesn’t freak one out or anything} – but back to the point, so I just had my weekly blood tests yesterday and yay my inflammation levels have dropped from 31 to 17J

Gotta celebrate each little blessing <3 Thank you all for your prayers.

So it seems the general consensus on Greys Anatomy last night was that the writers of Glee and Greys did a studio swap experiment! Such a heart wrenching episode, and I probably would have totally fallen to pieces if I was not laughing myself silly at all the singing! So I guess for me it was a good thing… and when our time comes maybe I should get Shane to break out in song as it certainly seemed to help Callie and her baby!? Just sayin...

On a final note for today - I need to send out lots of love and appreciation and encouragement to my husband…sometimes when just coping with the pain and frustration I do totally turn in on myself and it is all about me in that moment and I‘m sorry, cause I know it’s not just me going through all this, so is he and the rest of our special people too, and he is coping amazingly well to juggle all sorts of extra responsibilities and stresses. It’s always good to know that there is someone in your corner through good and bad…so I’m sorry and thank you.

xxx

So much to be thankful for ...

The start of another week and once again I am thankful that the last one is overJ

Some days I feel really guilty that I am wishing the time away, but I can’t help it I just need to know that our little mite will be able to survive and thrive when my body finally can’t protect her any longer. And today we have reached that point…26weeks! I am sooooo excited! Obviously a few more weeks would be good, but the doctors doubted we would even get this far…and to think they were talking about possible termination and all sorts of terrifying outcomes just a little while ago - but my baby has beaten the odds again!!! I am so proud of her <3

I just have to tell you all though, my “no details” husband earned super points this weekend! Since I’ve been on bed rest I’ve been really missing what’s going on in the outside world amongst family and friends. On various occasions Shane has been to one function or another and when he gets home I eagerly await “the news” {sad but true} and each time all I get is “everyone’s fine and a good time was had by all”….aargh! Is that it???

Anyway THIS weekend…he finally got it and dutifully reported all sorts of tasty tit bits that he had carefully gathered purely for my listening pleasure! Now that’s what I call Love! <3 Thanks Babe xxx

While we are on the subject of details – I have the cleverest Mom! I had bought some basic white cloth nappies and cotton knit receiving blankets with the idea of prettying them up, and yesterday she returned them to me all done! The nappies were trimmed in pretty floral fabric and she crocheted a beautiful trim around the blankie…many would simply shake their heads at me, but not my mom – it’s all in the pretty little details for me and she gets that!

Thanks my Mommy xxx

So needless to say – today I am thankful!

xxx

Happy Mother's Day

This one is for the special mothers in my life…

After making a life for ourselves in Johannesburg, bringing two beautiful children into the world and running a business that I loved and brought me so many rewards, it was hard to leave all the special people and move back to our home town. But the one thing that made it all okay was coming home to family.

The last year has had its up’s and down’s, but to me life is about the people in it and the relationships we nurture, and having family around has made this year so much more than bearable. It has made the move so right!

I love that weekends include random visits with grandparents and special moments shared, that Kayla and Izzy are finally able to get to know their Grannies in a much more intimate way than just the limited visits from the past. That both girls get special one on one playtime with these wonderful women that have so much to teach them…

I also am so thankful that I not only have my own special mum, who I fear to ever contemplate living without and who knows me so well, but that I am blessed with Shane’s mum too who I have had the honour of getting to know over the years and who has taught me so much about life and myself, not to mention the many hours of accounting and business advice too.

To say I am blessed is an understatement. The support, encouragement and love that these amazing women give me and my family so easily is something that can never be fully thanked or repaid but I would like to thank them both nonetheless for everything that they are…and what makes them even better is that they are not perfect in the traditional sense of the word, they too are still making mistakes and learning from them – and in my eyes THIS is what makes them so extraordinary and special to me; that they can admit and share these lessons with me and  the girls and together we can all learn and grow.

They say it takes a village to raise a family… I’m glad you are both in my village!

xxx

Ouch!

Bed rest is totally over rated!

Today has been a bad day and I’m feeling somewhat sorry for myself…after the respite of a few good days last week, the return with a vengeance of my pain is frustrating to say the least.

My mind feels totally capable of getting up making a few Mothers Day cards, perhaps baking some special treats for Sunday and washing my spastic flea bitten cat (whom I adore by the way) and a few other chores around the house…my body has a different idea!

So none of the above has been done, instead my house looks like a bomb has hit it once again and my long suffering husband took the girls out to avoid any signs of cabin fever and to allow me to try and sleep it off.

The good news is that baby is totally unaware of my pain and is squirming around like crazy!

Oh and we may have solved the name debacle…you see at present I have a favorite name and Shane has a totally different favorite name and never father apart could the two be! After much consideration and input from all around we have decided that perhaps it is best to scrap both names and go to the next name on our lists…which happens to be the same! That way we both win and my need for baby to actually have a name before she is born will be fulfilledJ

You might ask why it is so important that we decide on a name straight away – well it is to me so that the doctors and nurses know who they are fighting for. From the first moment I found out that I was expecting this little mite I somehow knew I would have to fight for her, I need them to know that it is not just about weight and weeks and viability, but that she is my daughter, a teeny tiny little soul that I need to be able to bring home to her sisters, and that once I can no longer fight to keep her alive and well inside me  they need to take over and fight for {name} to be alive and well outside of me!

Maybe that’s strange – but that’s just how I feel! I’m not going to mention the name just yet but rather give it some time to settle in. I’ll update you on that once we are ready.

I have had a few requests to tell the full story of our little mite’s journey to date… I am working on it and have decided to try and figure out how to add a section just for her story and updates once she arrives, so that I can update everyone all in one go!

Take care now and Happy Mother’s day to all you Mothers for tomorrow!

xxx

Testing, Testing...123

Welcome everyone to my blog!

I’ve been meaning to do this for soooo long now and figured I should finally just take a leap and do it…no time like the present and all! (And besides I do have some time on my hands while being restricted to bed rest!)

The point of this blog is pretty much to showcase all the things that I find joy in, from scrapbooking to photography to my beautiful families antics… I have been reminded of late that time is fleeting and that all too quickly things can change so here goes nothing – I hope that if nothing else you are amused and the things I love can bring a smile to your face too.

It is still a work in progress and I'm still finding my feet  - so if you have any suggestions I'd love the feedback!

xxx